


a boy who likes boys is a dead boy.

by Prettything_uglylie



Series: fictober 2019 [13]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anti-Semetic, Bisexual Male Character, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Image, Canon Gay Character, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pansexual Character, Racism, Religion, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Tendencies, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, This is lowkey character studies, Trigger Warning: Religion, character studies from the aspect of the losers club boys dealing with, hi, you know liking boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2020-12-07 22:08:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20983160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prettything_uglylie/pseuds/Prettything_uglylie
Summary: they are all broken boys.





	a boy who likes boys is a dead boy.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm going to promise you that this is vaguely all over the place and has heavy, heavy themes so be careful! 
> 
> I hope this is still enjoyable for some to read.

** i. jew boy **

You are religion boy; you are born in the synagogue, first words the lines of the Torah and your knees sewn into the carpet of his father's real home. 

You do not blame him: he is passionate and he has something he loves more than he may ever love you. You wish you had that passion but long ago, you have turned cold, you don't feel the same things anymore. You don't believe and you don't feel the same things anymore. You don't believe and you don't feel; he has a broken boy. 

You find yourself looking at the other boys; Richie has a strange amount of shameless shame where you find yourself watching him as he showers, Eddie's hands always curl into your shirt for too long, Ben's quickly slimming body makes you feel warm beneath the collar, Mike's broad shoulders make you curious to see what it would feel like to grip his shoulders and Bill's cornflower blue eyes carry a faraway intensity you wish you could look away from. 

You can't. 

Your father raised a broken boy. 

** ii. sickly boy.  **

You are born sick. 

You are born to a dying father who counts his days as Georgie Denbrough counts sleeps until Christmas, like he's excited to die if it means he escapes your mother. 

(Some days, you don't blame him: other days, you hate that train of thought. After all, you are her boy and she helps you... right?) 

You are five years old when Mommy recognizes that you are very sick. You meet Bill Denbrough and you're captivated - the first time you touch yourself, you think of Bill Denbrough. Mommy learns it; you're put on pills. 

"My sickness?" You ask, holding up a capsule of pills at fourteen. 

You aren't. 

You are not sick. 

** iii. clown boy.  **

You make jokes about his mom but you imagine kissing him softly in your bedroom, holding his hand and murmuring that you like him. You know it's unrealistic; know how he hates germs, how you two would quarrel if you kissed, know how -- know how he would never kiss you.

He may be the first one you fall in love with but he isn't the first boy you notice; Bil's scrawny but strong shoulders and his passion lights a fire in you and from ten years old, you know you'd die for Big Bill Denbrough. Stanley Uris's eyes, despite him being your best friend, feel good on you like nothing else does.l 

You figure it isn't a bad thing, you're just aware of your surroundings - but you don't notice the girls. The closest you get to noticing a girl is Beverly Marsh. 

It isn't enough. 

You lie. 

You hide. 

Trashmouth has a dirty little secret. 

** iv. ghost boy.  **

Everyone you love will leave you, you learn painfully young but it never makes it easier. You assume people don't love you, it's why you can pull away seamlessly. Your own parents don't notice you after Georgie dies, you become good at playing ghost in your own home. 

This fear, though, that no one loves you does not stop you from loving others. You admire them all: girls, boys, anything in between or outside of those two realms in all of their beautiful glory. You know you aren't supposed to look at the other boys, you stop caring. Might as well be cast out for a reason. 

No one sees or cares about the ghost boy. 

Sometimes you aren't sure you weren't the one who died instead of Georgie. 

** v. dark boy. **

You are cast out. 

No one sees you and you almost preferred it that way. 

Because when you were alone, you didn't feel this. You didn't want to cradle Eddie Kaspbrak on your lap or pull Richie in by the collar of his Hawaiin shirt and touch him inappropriately or Stan's thin hands curling around your shoulder or Ben's thighs under your hands or Bill's blue eyes seeking out yours always. 

But you do. 

You fall for all of the boys in all of the glory but you fall for Beverly a bit and it makes you feel less broken. You know it's wrong but they make it feel less wrong. 

They make you feel less shadow. 

You still don't touch them. 

** vi. fat boy.  **

You like Bev; you like her so that means...that means that what you feel for them doesn't matter. It is nothing more than friendship that you had never experienced for the beginning of your childhood. 

But friends don't watch other friend's lips as they talk, friends don't think about leaving dark hickeys under Stan's collar, friends don't think about what Bill's plump lips would feel like around his -, friends don't think about Richie's energetic hands, or how quickly Eddie talks or friends don't imagine straddling Mike's lap. 

You lose weight rapidly. 

It doesn't matter. 

No one will love the fat boy - even not the boys. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this! Please kudos and comment, I'm a slut for positive reinforcement!


End file.
